Emily’s Quest

November 14, 2009

Roadtrips and other such journeys

Filed under: Life Updates — Tags: , , , , — Emily @ 8:34 pm

Tomorrow I’m going on a roadtrip!

I have almost decided that I am going to stay in Wellington for good now.  I say almost… I have decided really – well, my heart has decided.  I’m just trying to convince the rest of myself that it doesn’t matter what other people think of me.  Which has really been my problem my whole life.  I strive so much for honesty and authenticity, and yet I have so much trouble being true to my Self (or even knowing who that self is) – which is somewhat of a contradiction, but then, I have always been a walking contradiction 😛

I want to stay in Wellington because my heart and soul is here – I don’t know why and I don’t know how to explain it, but that is how it feels.  This is the one place in the world where I feel centred, I feel me, I feel like I could live happily here in bliss doing anything – it doesn’t really matter as long as I’m here with my family and my Self and my friends and this fantastic city that makes me feel alive.

All this medical stuff… I do have an interest in it, but I certainly haven’t found my niche yet, and I have an interest in so many things.  I feel like I need to relax and let me become myself, rather than forcing myself into an image of how I think I should be.  So here I am again, trying to let go, trying to just be.

So I’m looking for work in Wellington at the moment, sleeping on my Mummy’s couch again, and strangely happy (although confused as always).  Tomorrow I am getting a 12 hour bus to Auckland to get my stuff and my car.  The next day, myself and a couple of tourists will roadtrip our way down the North Island back to Wellington over a few days.  I am totally excited.  We are going to do touristy things like visit the Waitomo Caves (have never done that, am looking forward to it) and stay overnight near Mt Ruapehu.

I LOVE road trips so I am totally psyched.  I also LOVE the Wellington-Auckland bus trip with Naked Bus  so I am very excited about tomorrow also.  I love just sitting back, putting my mp3 player on and disappearing into my blissful little world while the wonderful scenery of this amazing country that I love drifts past my window for 12 hours straight, with the odd little leg-stretch stop and re-fuel in between – fantastic.

Guess I better go chuck a few things in a bag and getready to roadtrip!

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May 9, 2009

Mad Season

Filed under: Life Updates — Tags: , , , , , , — Emily @ 7:11 pm

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

~Senecca

What an amazing, amazing summer I have had in wonderful Wellington with wonderful people.  I have had the best time of my life with the best friends I’ve ever had.  I’ve felt carefree and cared for.  It makes you realise what is really important in life.  Living it!  I have worked as a Medical Typist, felt lost and confused and searching for my meaning – and yet, all along, I was already living life, surrounded by amazing people in the best city in the world.

Can you believe I spent so much of my summer with this as the view I woke up to every morning out my window:Wellington Harbour

There was always a sense of peace knowing that, whatever else was going on, I could retreat to that gorgeous room and that gorgeous view.

But of course the summer wouldn’t have beenwhat it was without the awesome people I met and was lucky enough to spend my time with.  My girls – you know who you are – I love you all like sisters.  Well, some of you are my sisters – so that’s lucky.  But you know what I mean 😛  You are all awesome.

girls at earth hour

Now it seems that the summer is coming to an end and those cold cold Wellington winds are blowing us separate ways.  I sincerely hope that this wonderful summer has forged friendships and memories that will outlast any distance of time or geography.

But now, as the season turns, I am leaving these blustery shores of the city I love and heading out into the world to see what may come my way and what adventures I may discover.  I leave in 3 days on a one-way ticket to Australia – and beyond. 

How do I feel?  I know how I should feel – I should feel excited right?  Ready to embark – finally – on my adventure.

I don’t, really.  I feel lost.  I have lost – and am trying to let go of – everything I thought defined me… everything I used to define me to avoid the quest of discovering who I really am.  So I embark on this adventure, really because there is just nothing left for me to do.  As much as I love my friends and my family and my city here – somehow I have to leave to see what what there is in this life for me.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

~ the Bible, Ecclesiastes III, 3:1-3:8

April 19, 2009

Taking The First Step

Filed under: Life Updates, Philosophising — Tags: , , , , — Emily @ 12:51 pm

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have learned that to adhere to ‘stickability’, you have to know yourself enough to know what you want to stick at.  I continue to believe that when you find your own unique place in the world, you will automatically be driven to ‘stick’ with it, to keep going even when it’s hard or unpleasant, to commit for better or worse because there is nothing else for you, because what you do is driven by who you are and who you essentially need to be.

I had been thinking about going back to Med School.  I think because my head had been going overtime and I needed an easy answer.  I need to know that my life is worth something, that it has meaning in some way, some purpose.  I think Med School seems like an easy panacea for me – it’s like  a ready-made purpose all wrapped up in social acceptability, so that I wouldn’t have to think anymore, wouldn’t have to keep asking the question – not just who but why am I?!

I came to the conclusion that going back to Med School was rather more running from the question than moving towards the answer.  Flailing about in the unknown, the blank slate of unknown purpose, I gravitated back to that which seemed a nice, neat definition for me, something to make my life make sense.

But Emily’s Quest is about living and loving the questions in the faith, hope and trust that I will somehow live my way into the answer.  And so I am going to embrace the unknown and keep asking the question into the darkness, in the faith that one day I will look around and realise I am living the answer already and always have been.

So in a way I was right about this year being about stickability, but not in the way I thought.  It’s not about sticking to an arbitrary sense of external validation and definition, but rather about sticking true to that little voice in my soul that urges me on and learning to just be with it long enough to really hear what it is saying, not trying to cover it over with easy solutions and quick-fix bandaids.

For some reason, that little voice  – that is not really a voice at all but a sense, a knowning, an urging – has been pulling me for a long time towards Australia, and in particular Sydney.  Don’t ask me why or what I even mean by that – it’s just there.

So, I am finally, finally, finally, just going to have the guts to just bloody do it.  Enough talking, enough thinking, enough questioning of motives.  I am currently in almost exactly the same situation that I have been at least two other times in my life.  I talking exactly the same right down to where I’m working and where I’m living.  There is a pattern repeating in my life and I recognise the place I am at with much familiarity.  And you know what they say about what happens if you ‘always do what you’ve always done…’

So I am making a difference choice this time.  I am (hopefully!) breaking the pattern.  How lucky I am to live in a life where I get to choose again.  The first two times I chose wrong.  So life as brought me back the exact same situation and now I get to choose again.

This time I choose the fear, I choose the excitement, I choose the small voice inside of me that won’t be drowned out, I choose the absolute unknown and the vastness of the world ahead of me, I choose to dance with the questions of life.

I am terrified.  I am excited.  I am alive!

Sydney here I come!

Sydney here I come!

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