Emily’s Quest

June 7, 2009

And Sometimes All 3 At Once…

Filed under: Inspiration, Philosophising, Quotes — Tags: , , , , — Emily @ 5:02 pm

The Universe has only 3 answers to our wishes:
1. Yes!
2. Not yet!
3. I have something better for you!

 

(a reader’s comment on the blog of the mighty Paulo Coelho)

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May 9, 2009

Mad Season

Filed under: Life Updates — Tags: , , , , , , — Emily @ 7:11 pm

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

~Senecca

What an amazing, amazing summer I have had in wonderful Wellington with wonderful people.  I have had the best time of my life with the best friends I’ve ever had.  I’ve felt carefree and cared for.  It makes you realise what is really important in life.  Living it!  I have worked as a Medical Typist, felt lost and confused and searching for my meaning – and yet, all along, I was already living life, surrounded by amazing people in the best city in the world.

Can you believe I spent so much of my summer with this as the view I woke up to every morning out my window:Wellington Harbour

There was always a sense of peace knowing that, whatever else was going on, I could retreat to that gorgeous room and that gorgeous view.

But of course the summer wouldn’t have beenwhat it was without the awesome people I met and was lucky enough to spend my time with.  My girls – you know who you are – I love you all like sisters.  Well, some of you are my sisters – so that’s lucky.  But you know what I mean 😛  You are all awesome.

girls at earth hour

Now it seems that the summer is coming to an end and those cold cold Wellington winds are blowing us separate ways.  I sincerely hope that this wonderful summer has forged friendships and memories that will outlast any distance of time or geography.

But now, as the season turns, I am leaving these blustery shores of the city I love and heading out into the world to see what may come my way and what adventures I may discover.  I leave in 3 days on a one-way ticket to Australia – and beyond. 

How do I feel?  I know how I should feel – I should feel excited right?  Ready to embark – finally – on my adventure.

I don’t, really.  I feel lost.  I have lost – and am trying to let go of – everything I thought defined me… everything I used to define me to avoid the quest of discovering who I really am.  So I embark on this adventure, really because there is just nothing left for me to do.  As much as I love my friends and my family and my city here – somehow I have to leave to see what what there is in this life for me.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

~ the Bible, Ecclesiastes III, 3:1-3:8

May 4, 2009

The Dream is Easier – But Living’s the Thing

Filed under: Philosophising, Quotes — Tags: , , , , — Emily @ 8:52 pm

My friend just texted me this quote in awareness of the profundity with which it explains her life.  I couldn’t help but feel it’s aptness equally.

“My dream is now realisable, but if I try and fail, I don’t know what the rest of my life will be like; that’s why it’s better to live cherishing a dream than face the possibility that it might all come to nothing.”

~ Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

April 19, 2009

Taking The First Step

Filed under: Life Updates, Philosophising — Tags: , , , , — Emily @ 12:51 pm

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have learned that to adhere to ‘stickability’, you have to know yourself enough to know what you want to stick at.  I continue to believe that when you find your own unique place in the world, you will automatically be driven to ‘stick’ with it, to keep going even when it’s hard or unpleasant, to commit for better or worse because there is nothing else for you, because what you do is driven by who you are and who you essentially need to be.

I had been thinking about going back to Med School.  I think because my head had been going overtime and I needed an easy answer.  I need to know that my life is worth something, that it has meaning in some way, some purpose.  I think Med School seems like an easy panacea for me – it’s like  a ready-made purpose all wrapped up in social acceptability, so that I wouldn’t have to think anymore, wouldn’t have to keep asking the question – not just who but why am I?!

I came to the conclusion that going back to Med School was rather more running from the question than moving towards the answer.  Flailing about in the unknown, the blank slate of unknown purpose, I gravitated back to that which seemed a nice, neat definition for me, something to make my life make sense.

But Emily’s Quest is about living and loving the questions in the faith, hope and trust that I will somehow live my way into the answer.  And so I am going to embrace the unknown and keep asking the question into the darkness, in the faith that one day I will look around and realise I am living the answer already and always have been.

So in a way I was right about this year being about stickability, but not in the way I thought.  It’s not about sticking to an arbitrary sense of external validation and definition, but rather about sticking true to that little voice in my soul that urges me on and learning to just be with it long enough to really hear what it is saying, not trying to cover it over with easy solutions and quick-fix bandaids.

For some reason, that little voice  – that is not really a voice at all but a sense, a knowning, an urging – has been pulling me for a long time towards Australia, and in particular Sydney.  Don’t ask me why or what I even mean by that – it’s just there.

So, I am finally, finally, finally, just going to have the guts to just bloody do it.  Enough talking, enough thinking, enough questioning of motives.  I am currently in almost exactly the same situation that I have been at least two other times in my life.  I talking exactly the same right down to where I’m working and where I’m living.  There is a pattern repeating in my life and I recognise the place I am at with much familiarity.  And you know what they say about what happens if you ‘always do what you’ve always done…’

So I am making a difference choice this time.  I am (hopefully!) breaking the pattern.  How lucky I am to live in a life where I get to choose again.  The first two times I chose wrong.  So life as brought me back the exact same situation and now I get to choose again.

This time I choose the fear, I choose the excitement, I choose the small voice inside of me that won’t be drowned out, I choose the absolute unknown and the vastness of the world ahead of me, I choose to dance with the questions of life.

I am terrified.  I am excited.  I am alive!

Sydney here I come!

Sydney here I come!

April 5, 2009

I’m growing – GROWING damnit!

nonzeroAt the moment I’m reading a book called “Non-Zero: The Logic of Human Destiny”.  In it, Robert Wright applies game theory (non-zero vs zero-sumness – don’t worry, the book explains it) to cultural and biological evolution to “isolate the impetus behind life’s basic direction”.  In the first section, which I’m currently reading, he applies this theory to the entire evolution of civilisation.  The next section will do the same for biological evolution, with the intention in the end to show how the direction of life on this planet so far gives us a clear indication of where it is going.  I can’t wait for that part! 

Basically I’m hoping this book will explain the meaning of life to me.  No pressure, Rob me old mate.

But as this book progresses through it’s sweeping evaluation of the evolution of the world as we know it, I’m noticing another pattern.  A pattern all scientists are aware of (2nd law of thermodynamics anyone?), it was only in reading this book that it’s truth and application to life became clear to me. 

What I noticed is this: chaos breeds growth and progress.  Stability (/peace) breeds stagnation.

Now I guess it depends what you want from life and what you see the point as being.  Maybe stagnation sounds pretty damn calm and lovely and who cares about a bit of algae around the edges.  But personally, I can’t see why we’d come here just to stagnate, why we’d be here if not to grow and progress.  And growth doesn’t happen when everything’s hunky dory – why would it?  There is no impetus for change or innovation when everything is just dandy the way it is.

Chaos breeds growth.

In which case I must be almost 6 foot frickin tall by now. 

Which is a good thing… Right?

April 3, 2009

Sport Is Bad For Your Health

Filed under: Health and Medicine — Tags: , , , — Emily @ 9:05 pm

I knew there was a good reason I don’t run triathalons!  And it’s here.

I always have maintained that exercise is bad for you.

I don’t ask for much…

Filed under: Random Thoughts and Links — Tags: , — Emily @ 9:25 am

All I want is for my mum and sisters to merge into one person, who is male and falls head over heels in love with me.  And also is hot, intelligent, funny, sweet, loving and loyal.

Then all he has to do is fix me, marry me, have my babies, love me for ever and ever no matter what, and also tell me what it is I’m supposed to be doing with my life.

I mean, really, I’m not asking for that much, right?

April 2, 2009

You Have No Choice

Filed under: Art, Random Thoughts and Links — Tags: , , — Emily @ 6:14 pm

no-choice-andre-jordan1A Beautiful Revolution by Andre Jordan is pretty much one of the awesomest blogs I’ve ever stumbled across.  So much expressed so simply and so perfectly.  Love it.

March 30, 2009

Migration/Consolodation

Filed under: Life Updates, Philosophising — Tags: , — Emily @ 9:30 pm

I’m currently in the process of pimping this blog out – by which I mean, importing all my random stuff written elsewhere and consolidating it into one handy dandy online notebook.  I wrenched all of my previous blog from the Googley hands of Blogger, added some other stuff I did recently, and voila!

If last year was about self-acceptance and embracing the constancy of change, I think this year is shaping up to be about stickability.  About the value in just sticking with something through thick and thin, of finding something you believe in and just doing it, good times and bad, no matter what.  About actually building something solid and worthwhile in life, a foundation from which to actually accomplish something of value rather than just flitting from the surface of one thing to the next and never staying long enough to see out the shit and build something meaningful.

Hopefully this means that in another 5 years, I will be able to look back and say I actually have something to show for it, I actually used that time to stick at something and become something I believe in.

All of this vague waffle does actually have a concrete underpinning, but I’m holding those cards close to my chest at little longer until I know that it will all go to plan.  Solid, committed, stop-running-away-stand-still-and-actually-do-what-you-came-here-to-do plan.

I promise the details will be forthcoming shortly…

Life: to be continued…

March 24, 2009

More Wackness Than Dopeness

Filed under: Reviews - Books, Movies, Events etc — Tags: , , — Emily @ 9:03 pm

wacknessPart homage to the nineties, part coming-of-age story, The Wackness is a little indie movie that has been getting great reviews, about a teenage boy who swaps marijuana for friendship and counselling sessions from a barely-holding-it-together psychiatrist while harbouring a crush on said psychiatrist’s step-daughter.To be honest, I didn’t get what all the fuss is about with this movie. It was kind of like a depressed Juno with way more grit and way less sweetness. It seems like Stephanie (the step-daughter) may equally have been talking to the movie’s writer/creator as to protagonist Luke Shapiro when she says:

“Know what your problem is, Shapiro? It’s that you just have this really shitty way of looking at things, ya know? I don’t have that problem. I just look at the dopeness. But you, it’s like you just look at the wackness, ya know?”
This movie certainly seems to emphasise the wackness. But to me it was redeemed by a standout little moment towards the end as Luke is stepping into an elevator and savours the experience of one of life’s true wacknesses:

Luke Shapiro: Do me a favor, Steph?
Stephanie: Huh?
Luke Shapiro: Don’t say nothin, ok? Just stand there til I leave. I wanna remember this. I’ve never done it before.
Stephanie: Never done what?
Luke Shapiro: Had my heart broken.

Life might be wack a hell of a lot of the time. But if you can savour every little bit of it, wack and dope, then maybe you’re getting the point.

Word.

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